i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
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