Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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