how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize