I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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