Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
