I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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