Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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