I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i now understand why vodka
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
