Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
