if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Please, let me fuck your mom
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
