just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
