after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
