and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Someone shattered a urinal.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
