My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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