I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
