I hate your face
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
