Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
