I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
