just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
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I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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