I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
