there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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