Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
