i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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