worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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