sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
