I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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