So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
