Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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