Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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