So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
