Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
two words...techno handjob
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize