new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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