bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize