I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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