why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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