Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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