I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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