never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
