My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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