well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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