i permit you to call me
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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