STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
