my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I can't put those talents on a resume
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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