Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
