i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
