We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
