oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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