My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
