Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
