Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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