Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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