It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
