I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
