I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
