I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
