No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I am available for nakedness
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize