The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
