2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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