There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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