I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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